The noon day sun is turning his hair to fire, but all I can do is look. His green eyes are sparkling with laughter, and it hurts more than I thought was possible to know that someone else provoked that kind of reaction in him. I know that he has no feelings beyond friendship for Vin, but it doesn't matter. Because Vin can make him smile, and I can't.

My chair on the boardwalk isn't that far from where he's standing, but it might as well be half-way across the country for all the good it does me. All I want to do is touch him, taste him. But all that I can do is watch him, and only that when he's too preoccupied to notice. If he ever caught me staring like this, all of the fire I love in him would be extinguished in an instant. He would freeze, and I would be pushed ever further away than I am now.

It should be enough for me that he's grown to trust me. It should be enough that he respects me, and sometimes even seems to like me. I should be happy to be as close to him as I am. But I'm not, and I never have been.

There's so much that I want with him, but I know I'll never have any of it. I want to see his eyes light up when he smiles at me. I want to know how his lips taste when I kiss him in the mornings. I want to be able to lie with him, wrapped snuggly in blankets when it's cold outside. I want to tell him that I love him, and not be afraid that those might be the last words I ever say.

I want to hold him close at night, and in the mornings, and in the afternoons. I want him to talk to me, tell me how he feels, what he thinks. I want to know him inside and out, and be happy in the fact that he knows me with the same intimacy. But it will never happen.

I've tried to satisfy myself with being held at arm's length, but I can't. Not anymore. The need to be closer to him is almost burning through my veins, but I know that I'll never be close enough. I'll never be close enough for him to let me love him like he deserves to be loved. I won't be close enough to hold him in my arms at night, or kiss him senseless in the mornings.

The only time I can come anywhere near the real Ezra is in my dreams, but even they aren't enough anymore. Nothing is. But this is as close as I'll ever get, even if it's not close enough.

The End