this story came to me while listening to the song Bed of Lies late one night. It demanded to be written. I am hoping to write a sequel, but I make no promises.
My thanks to Bec. Without her help the ending would have been much shorter and lacking the little resolution it has.
Song by Matchbox Twenty

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in

Ezra opened his eyes as Chris got of bed. Sitting up Ezra watched as Chris gathered his clothes and handed them to him. Silently he got up and dressed. Ezra turned around to see Chris, already lying down with his eyes closed.

And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am

Ezra blinked as his eyes misted over. He wiped his eyes, blaming his tiredness for their wetness. Before he left, he glanced one more time at Chris. Chris lay peacefully sprawled on his bed. Sighing inwardly, he vowed this would not happen again. He had learned his lesson. A futile vow, but he made it anyway.

I don't think I can take another empty moment
I don't think that I can fake another hollow smile
Well it's not enough just to be lonely.
I don't think that I could take another talk about it

"Ezra?" Chris called. "Is this alright with you?"

Ezra withdrew his hand from the door and turned slowly to Chris. Chris was propped up on his elbows. Ezra smiled at him. "It's fine Mr. Larabee. I am still amenable to our arrangement." Ezra referred to the first time Chris had taken him. He had cited their loneliness, claiming it would never happen again. When it did, Ezra assured Chris that everything was fine and he had no problem with the nightly interludes.

Chris studied Ezra and smiled. He laid back down as Ezra left. Chris never noticed, the smile never reached his eyes.

Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away

Ezra understood Chris. He understood that sometimes, Chris needed release. Ezra felt the same way. All it would take was a soft whisper in his ear to be at Chris' room that night and it never failed. That night Ezra would show up at Chris' door.

And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away

With a soft knock, Ezra would quietly enter the room. He would quickly undress. Not saying a word he would slip into the bed and give up his control to Chris.

But I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am

Each time he would lie still while Chris collected his clothes. Even though he was often exhausted, he would climb out of the bed and get dressed. Each time Ezra swore it was the last, yet each time he returned.

Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
I don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong

Ezra shuffled his cards absently, flipping the ace of spades up repeatedly. He watched as Chris talked with Mary and shared a lunch with her. It had to stop. Chris was just using his body. The late night encounters had to stop. Ezra needed them to stop. He just didn't think he could do it himself.

Ezra knew Chris didn't love him. Not like he loved the gunslinger. He had hoped he would find a place beside Chris. But this was not so. Chris never showed any interest in Ezra except for the late nights when he would ask him to his room.

Ezra didn't feel he had a place here. The others of the group often treated him, at best, indifferently. Nathan, in particular, never lost an opportunity to point out his flaws. The townspeople barely tolerated him.

Where it's not enough just to be sorry

Sometimes before he left, Chris would apologize. He would say he was sorry for needing it and worrying that he was too rough. Left unsaid was the apology for not loving him. It wasn't enough for Ezra, but he said nothing.

Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in

Ezra stood in the shadows of the saloon his thoughts of spending the afternoon with Chris vanishing. He watched mutely as Chris kissed Mary. Watching the deep kiss, Ezra felt as if his heart were shattering. A dark emptiness settled in him and he turned back to his room before he could witness Mary gently pushing Chris away.

I tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away

Ezra plucked out the ace of spades and king of diamonds from his deck, placing the rest of the cards beside him. Reverently he placed the king in front of him. Gazing at the king, Ezra fingered the ace sadly. He had done his best to become an upstanding citizen. He still gambled, but he never took from those who couldn't afford it. Often local farmers would walk away with money that was desperately needed. Still the others looked down on him. Ezra had tried and now he had nothing left. Gazing once more at the king, Ezra got up and moved over to his desk.

And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of theses winters we've made

"Hey Ez, what ya doing?" Ezra whirled around to see Vin standing in the barn doorway, the afternoon sun silhouetting his frame.

"Why Mister Tanner, I would think that would be obvious. I am taking a midday ride." Ezra was pleased when the slight tremble all but disappeared after the first few words.

Vin approached him, having caught the hesitation. "You alright?"

"I am fine." Ezra finished saddling his horse and turned to leave.

Vin blocked his path. "You sure?"

Ezra stared blankly at Vin. "Mr. Tanner please let me pass. I am only taking a brief sojourn about the countryside."

Vin examined Ezra. He noted everything, from Ezra's slightly disheveled appearance to the dead frozen eyes that stared at him. Finally, deciding Ezra needed a little time by himself Vin stepped aside. As Ezra reached the doors he called out, "I'll be here when ya get back." Ezra stiffened. "If ya need someone to talk to." Without acknowledging him, Ezra continued out.

After Buck came to Chris and told him Ezra had never relieved him of patrol, Chris silently got the key to Ezra's room. Buck trailed behind him as he made his way up to Ezra's room.

He banged the door open, furious that Ezra had not done his patrol. In the room everything was in place save the deck of cards laying on the bed. A white envelope sat propped up against a pillow, Chris' name etched on the front. Chris numbly picked it up and read its contents. At first one tear slowly rolled down his cheek. It was quickly followed by more.

I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me but don't go weak on me now

Chris slumped down on the bed, letting the letter slip from his fingers. He looked at the ace of spades as tears rolled down his face. He couldn't help but remember Ezra's hands. Hands that could drive him wild with the simplest of touches. He remembered how Ezra was always playing with these cards. The ace always seeming to show up in his hand or Chris'. Now the ace was shredded as if it were some secret note that had to be destroyed upon receipt.

Still crying, Chris tried to piece together Ezra's favorite card.

I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this
I will not sleep in this bed of lies

Buck stared at the ruined deck. "Chris?"

When Chris failed to respond, Buck reached down and picked up the letter to read.

"Dear Chris,

I have thought long and hard about our relationship, what there is of it. I know that it's weak, but god help me Chris, I need this. I need you. I know you do not feel the same, but I love you. However, I can not continue this charade. I can not keep pretending what you feel for me is anything more then lust. I can take no more, so I will take my leave of you. I realize this letter is the coward's way and that I am breaking my promise. But you always expected that of me, didn't you? I need you so much, but the hurt is just too great. I will not sleep in this bed of lies.

Yours forever,
Ezra P. Standish"

"Chris?" Chris looked up at Buck. Buck winced at the devastated look on his face. "What's going on, pard?"

Chirs finished arranging the ripped ace, missing pieces leaving gaping holes in the card. "I love him." he said softly, tears still running down his cheeks.

Buck stared wide eyed at Chris. He could see the truth of that statement in Chris' bleak eyes. He nodded his head in acceptance. Cautiously moving forward, he gently placed his hand on Chris' shoulder. "What happened?"

"I screwed up."

Buck rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

"I used him."

Buck's hands stopped. "What?"

Chris spoke haltingly. "I used him. I'd tell him to come to my room at night. And he would. He'd let me have his body, his soul and. .. and I never... I never told him..."

"Why?" Both men whirled around to see Vin standing in the doorway.

Chris flinched at the trackers cold stare. "Why?"

"Yes. Why?"

Chris looked at the floor. "I was scared. I haven't felt like this since Sarah. I ...I was afraid if I told the truth... . let him know, that...that..."

"That you'd lose him, like you lost Sarah." Buck spoke up from behind Chris.

Chris nodded weakly.

"I saw him earlier today." Chris looked up at Vin questioningly. "He was headed out for a ride." Vin paused. "You hurt him bad, cowboy."

Chris shuddered.

"What are you going to do?" Buck looked at his friend.

Chris looked at the cards again. He softly whispered, "What can I do?"

"Find him." Vin stated firmly.

"B... But. ... ."

"No buts. You find him and tell him the truth. Cuz that's the only thing that'll work. You tell him the truth and bring him back."

Chris nodded at Vin's declaration. "Do...can you boys handle the town?"

"Well be alright. You just find Ezra, pard."

Chris quickly gathered up the cards and headed out. Vin followed. "I'll get our horses ready."

Chris glanced at Vin. Vin stared at him, his own guilt glinting in his blue eyes. Chris nodded and stepped out to the street. He told himself to stop at the general store. It had to have something to fix the card.

An hour later Chris walked toward where Vin was already seated on his horse, Chris' saddled beside him. He glanced at the town. His hand moved from the pocket which held the bulk of the deck to the pocket which held the lone ace, still torn up. The glue like substance he had purchased placed snugly in his saddlebag. Chris climbed onto his horse. As they headed out Chris promised himself that he would mend the card at the first opportunity. Then he'd find Ezra. He'd help heal him. He vowed he would show Ezra how he truly felt. He'd make things right.

Bed of Lies
Song by Matchbox Twenty

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am

I don't think I can take another empty moment
I don't think that I can fake another hollow smile
Well it's not enough just to be lonely.
I don't think that I could take another talk about it

Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away

But I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am

Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
I don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just to be sorry

Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
I tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of theses winters we've made

*chorus*

I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me but don't go weak on me now
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this
I will not sleep in this bed of lies