Diary of a Maddened Scientist
Or
Personal observations edited from the Laboratory Journal kept by Dr. T. B____, Ph.D., in accordance with the provisions of his NSA grant 2001-22-3320 and NOAA grant 834AS2544.
Recovered from an abandoned hard disk by
Parhelion
April 23
…I have, at last, secured the assistance of a proper laboratory technician. He has recently relocated here from the south of England, for “personal reasons, la-la”. Even in the sciences, ragged T-shirts reading “Envision Whirled Peas” and bicycle shorts are not considered optimal garb at an interview. Also, I believe his haircut would generally be judged as poorly executed, even on a blond. His appearance and mannerisms have probably worked against his employment prospects until this point, but I take pride in my ability to ignore such superficialities. Physically he seems to be healthy and his standards of personal hygiene are excellent. Most importantly, he was able to diagnose the flaw in the control pack for the atmospheric spectroscope and eliminate it. Given the ridiculous pay scale at the A___ laboratories of the University of C__________, I suppose I am lucky to have secured his services. Irrelevancies can always be ignored.
May 3
…P, however, is annoying. Although his work can not justly be criticized, he seems to find it necessary to devote more time to socializing, especially with me, than I would prefer. His attitude is friendly but his informal conversation is disorganized and associative to the point of inducing insanity. However, he has repaired both the boom sonar and the “Mrs. Tea” refreshment unit, so his individual eccentricities must be respected. . .
May 24
…I am finding it increasingly difficult to believe that P. took a First at the University of S_____ because his intelligence is apparently equivalent to that of a kumquat. On his lunch break, he has taken to viewing cartoons on his laptop computer and chortling, while simultaneously slurping sobe noodles from his lunch bowl. Also, he brings extra sushi for me, which I then feel obligated to consume in order not to have to discuss his erroneous opinion that I do not eat enough. Such conversations with P., I have discovered, lead only in the direction of madness. “Twirly-whirly,” for example, is hardly a coherent expression of the state of vertigo that results from being too busy to consume a meal or two.
To turn from personal opinions to relevancies…
June 15
…Dr. H________ visited today, and discoursed at some length upon the flaws in my experimental design. This might have been of some use if he had any comprehension of the implications of my theoretical work and the constraints it imposes upon our initial conditions. As H________ left, P. stuck his tongue out at the Doctor’s retreating back. I should have reproved him, but I can not help admitting that I concurred with his opinion.
June 30
P. has a cold. The sampler is not working.
July 3
P. still has a cold. I have visited him at his apartment, in order to ascertain when he will be returning to work, knowing that he is fully capable of misdiagnosing his own condition. His grasp on such matters is not firm, which is annoying even if it is due to a commendable lack of egoism. P. proved to be on the mend but was taking reasonable precautions against re-infection, with the possible exception of the garlic and banana necklace.
His apartment was interesting. It is apparently maintained as a shrine to the pop culture of the past four decades. I have not seen a black-light poster by Peter Max, let alone a lava lamp or a bubble chair, in the apartment of an intellectual peer in years. I am also not sure of the identities of many of the science-fictional beings sculpted in plastic, scattered about his living room. However, I did note a reassuring lack of objects commemorating competitive sports.
These matters are irrelevant. The latest statistical distribution…
July 18
…P. does, in fact, have an interest in competitive sports. I returned from a faculty meeting today to find him watching ice dancing upon his personal computer. However, this will, in the long run, be easier to tolerate than either football or golf. P. states he does not watch golf because the pants worn by the competitors are unattractive and the clubs upraised to the heavens make him nervous. Given the statistical frequency of lightning strikes on golfers as compared to other occupations, his is a reasonable reaction.
August 10
Success! We have completed an entirely clean experimental run. P felt compelled to celebrate this occasion with a display of dancing, with choreography apparently adapted from his primary sporting interest. P. is a tall and leanly muscled individual of great physical endurance, so he was able to sustain this performance for a fairly lengthy period of time. The manner of his display evinced the persistence of a floor buffer combined with the brain power of its wielder. Still, in this case I am able to comprehend his emotional motivations.
August 21
…P. has decided to help me develop my interpersonal skills, to make me, in his words, “warmer and fuzzier and cuddlier.” I asked him where he added such phrases to his vocabulary. He replied, “On the commune.” All is explained. P. is an idiot.
August 27
…having said “Thank you” to the woman serving hot entrees at the cafeteria, I saw no reason why I should then be stared at…
August 30
For some reason comprehensible only to himself, the building’s maintenance man has finally fixed the air-conditioning in our laboratory.
September 13
…this entire week past, P. has done nothing absurd, idiotic, or outrageous. I find I grow uneasy. . .
September 15
…I thanked P. for his efficient repair of the wind tunnel, and he replied, “You’re welcome.” Something is very, very wrong…
September 18
…sustained interrogation of P. elicited the query as to whether or not I had ever had someone “tear my heart out and stomp that sucker flat.” I replied that I was unaware that I had a heart to be removed. P.’s response to this admittedly feeble attempt at a witticism was strange. He threw himself upon me—somewhat inconveniently, since I am several inches shorter in height than he is—and proceeded to weep with an intensity that approached hysteria. Concerned, I applied a technique I have observed while switching channels on my television set from the news past ‘evening soap operas’ to Nova on PBS. I patted his shoulder, rubbed his back, and assured him that everything would be all right although I had, in fact, no evidence that such would be the case. As a placebo, though, my efforts were effective. P. gradually grew calm, and was eventually persuaded to loosen his arms from around me. I find myself wondering whom the inconsiderate individual is who has rejected P.’s romantic attentions since, although maddening, he is also possessed of an affectionate nature and not unreasonable physical endowments. Such matters, however, are none of my concern.
September 30
P. and I examined the first three-dimensional plot of our results today. Aesthetically, I find I can not disagree with P.’s evaluation of “Ooo! Pretty!” Analytically…
October 3
…disturbed by an overheard comment in my graduate seminar today. A promising female master’s candidate referred to the retreating P., who had delivered a missing disc of class notes, as “a babe.” P. is not a child, even in his mental endowments, although this often appears to be the case, so I am forced to posit that she referred to his physical attractions. Have my students been annoying P.? I must not have his work interrupted at this sensitive juncture…
October 4
…asked P. if the female students were bothering him. He blushed—an interesting phenomenon—and replied that no, the female students were not bothering him. I only realized later the same evening that this was not a complete response: could he be being bullied out of envy by the men?
October 5
…asked P. if the male students were bothering him. He blushed again—this is not an emotional response that I have noticed in the past as being typical of him—and replied that no, the male students were not bothering him. Satisfactory.
Nov 18
...I made the mistake today of enquiring if P. was thinking what I was thinking. P. said yes, but llama hair is very expensive and they do have a tendency to spit. ???
Nov 26
...pleasant Thanksgiving holiday in the laboratory. P. enlivened the experimental session by his arrival with turkey and all trimmings, for two. I was able to both complete the run and consume an excellent dinner, an enjoyable exercise in efficiency. The necessity of then watching a sentimental movie about Santa Claus and the legal system on P.’s laptop was a small price to pay…
Dec 5
P. continues his ongoing, maddening efforts to enhance my social skills. Assuredly, if we were not writing a major research paper together, I would “let him go”. I found myself asking where he, as another scientist, learned these peculiar arts, and he stubbornly repeated, during “intimate interpersonal contact” - whatever that is - on the commune. I believe that considerable quantities of drugs are taken on communes. Perhaps, as a result, there is localized brain damage. I must, in that case, set myself to being tolerant.
Dec 12
…classes ended. After some hesitation, in acknowledgement of unusually good student performances, I have awarded assorted Bs and one A-. My students, for some reason, seem surprised. Surely an unusual class should comprehend its own nature? Or is it a group phenomenon too obscure to be comprehended except by an external observer? I must, in the future, remember to enlighten them.
Dec 15
…P. informs me that “it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” I informed him that I hate Christmas and also the quoting of song lyrics as conversational gambit. After sustained discussion, I have consented to the hanging of decorative lights shaped like red chilies in the laboratory. Also, to eggnog.
Dec 21
…I shall, of course, seize the opportunity of the quiet of Christmas to re-calibrate the instrumentation of the weather pack and upgrade the operating system on the main laboratory computer. Should we do a partition and install Linux? I shall consult with P…
Dec 25
…pleasant social afternoon and evening at P.’s apartment. He has given me a new star atlas, as well as DVDs of cartoons depicting humorous, intellectual mice, for my “brain fun-fun-silly-willy”. I obtained for him a new holographic software package, etc. to satisfy any aesthetic urges he might have that are not fulfilled by his employment. This will lead, I hope, to peaceful lunches in the laboratory. I was reassured of the appropriate nature of my choice by his spontaneous embrace, which he sustained to a degree indicative of considerable enthusiasm. I am now analyzing the results of today’s unmanned run since I found myself to feel energetic, indeed, somewhat restless, after this evening, and my calculations show…
Dec 31
…agreed over phone today to take over the refereeing of eight papers for Annals NAAP, since the original referee stepped on a Frankie Fire Truck at Christmas and broke his leg, yet another demonstration of why it is wise for a scientist to abjure offspring. I was about to inform the editor of this when I was distracted by odd and incomprehensible gestures from P. I covered my confusion by inquiring after the editor’s wife, whom I remember as being an entirely respectable field botanist. P. beamed at me after I hung up for no reason that I can ascertain. I refuse to inquire.
Jan 7
…Classes resumed today. I am puzzled as to why the enrollment in my graduate seminar has doubled since I will be covering the same material as last year. P. will not be present, so that can not be the explanation…
Jan 14
…P. pointed out an outlier in our data distribution, with the comment that, as a statistical anomaly, it must “feel so sad and lonely it could die”. There were observable tears in his eyes. I refrained from pointing out that P. himself is a statistical anomaly, since this falls under the category of comments I am to abjure as “hurtful”…
February 1
...have submitted our data and the draft of our paper to the NAAP conference committee for possible inclusion in the program of the annual convention, as well as in the Annals. P. insisted upon our crossing our fingers as he pressed ‘enter’ to submit the e-letter. An appalling superstition; I shall certainly refuse to behave so the next time the question arises, when I am not taken by surprise.
Feb 17
…P. has taken up the mandolin. He has a plaintive voice, well suited to the instrument, but I may have to “hurt” him.
Feb 19
…I have resumed practicing upon my boyhood instrument: the harmonica. Revenge is sweet, but P seems remarkably unperturbed.
March 22
P. is very jittery today: he explains - translated out of his unique vernacular - that the season has made him restless. Attempting to “share”, I admit to being subject to such disturbances myself as the spring approaches. After a silence, he used a word of slang with which I am not familiar. “Naff”? “Arf”? Surely not “Barf”? He did become quiet and thoughtful after our little chat, though. I am pleased. Obviously, my social skills continue to improve.
Our latest results indicate…
March 28
…P. solicits my opinion of which calendar he should buy for the next academic year by showing me examples of some former purchases. He displayed for me several different calendars depicting varieties of unclad young ladies, all of them very tedious and none of them, I pointed out, suitable to a laboratory setting.
March 29
...P. has now shown me calendars depicting workers at their labors, which strikes me as an annoyingly outdated communistic motif. Not wishing to upset him, though, I examined his offerings at some length. We both agreed that the sailors and firemen were pleasingly posed and aesthetically photographed, although he favored the so-called “bears” - a new nickname for blue-collar laborers, apparently - more than I did. However, as I pointed out, again none of these themes seemed suitable to a laboratory setting.
March 30
…P. and I have settled upon a pleasant calendar depicting stellar phenomena for the laboratory. P. anticipates that the coming year’s photographs will include one of Supernova 1991-A published to acclaim in Nature this past winter, which will be nice.
April 1
…In celebration of April Fool’s Day, P. seized and kissed me. Inexperience betrayed me, and I responded inappropriately for his gender. Afterwards, he claimed to have mistaken me for an old flame. I told him I am not so much of an April’s fool as that although I can make no such declaration for him. He took this with maddening cheer. If I have not “hurt” him, it is only because of his superb salvage of our meteorological computer core memory after its viral infection.
Said computer…
April 15
Yes! We have received our acceptance back from the NAAP, together with an unusually warm letter from the committee. P. repeated his dance of triumph, while insisting that I join him. I can not match his adeptness in such matters, but he seemed to find my efforts adequate.
Also, today I mailed my taxes. I would like to take over the world long enough to arrange for a more sensible apportionment of my contribution to its social maintenance but I can not come up with a reasonable plan to accomplish this. P encouraged me, which he should not have, since I was being absurd. Still, it was kind of him…
April 17
…I have now stored personal sheet music in the lower left file drawer: blue grass, folk. I find that joint practice of our instruments is both relaxing and stems the incessant flow of surrealistic conversation from P.
April 23
...P. gave me a gift today, a combination underwater pen/laser pointer, in commemoration of our first successful year’s research together. He seemed surprised by my reciprocating his gift with a Japanese lunchbox bearing images of his most frequently viewed cartoon characters. The internet is an excellent tool in these matters, I find. I now understand a sustained embrace from P. indicates success. By that standard, my gift was very successful, indeed…
May 3
...P. celebrated the first decently warm day of spring by once again wearing bicycle shorts and a T-shirt, this one inscribed “Friend of Dorothy” Is “Dorothy” a former girl friend? Then why is she commemorated by a T-shirt?
May 12
…P. has cut my hair on the eve of our departure for the conference. He has also given me a scalp and shoulder massage, which was both relaxing and invigorating. My sleep on the airplane was restless, though…
May 15
Our presentation of our results at the NAAP annual conference was a triumph. The aftermath was (entry ends)
May 16
…I have an unexpected problem. In an excess of jubilation, I invited P. back to my hotel room to share a drink with him after our well-received question and answer period at the NAAP conference. Having left our laptops networked on the chairs, it seemed only reasonable to share the bed as we drank. The air conditioning in the room was overly efficient and the air temperature grew quite chill. P., as a tall, thin individual, feels such phenomena more acutely than I do, so he moved closer, attracted by my warmth. We discussed our efforts over the past year. I am not sure why I engaged him in a paternal embrace, but the results were unexpected. I was unaware that P.’s instinctive adeptness extended past kissing to other types of physical contact. My body, defying previous experience, was responsive and P., a fair man, insisted that the resulting situation be remedied at once, by him.
I was also unaware that oral sex was not only extremely pleasurable but carried an inarguable emotional intensity along with its physical release. This made it seem imperative that balance be maintained and that P. be given the same release and comfort as myself. P. was encouraging and informative about my novice efforts and the entire experience can be fairly termed a success.
However, I can not understand my now on-going and persistent desire to touch P.
May 17
P.’s explanation of my “oodgy-woodgy” feelings, and his unneeded answer to my rhetorical question of “Are you thinking what I’m thinking” with “I think so. Where can we get slippery glide and ostrich feathers at this time of night?” were extremely annoying. Neither idiocy, however, seems to have inhibited my new emotional and physical responses to P., so we improvised for the lack of proper equipment in our laboratory with electronics lubricant – expensive - and a faux quill pen owned by P. Steps must obviously be taken. I am his supervisor. P. is an idiot and must be protected from himself…
May 19
…I discussed my sexual predation upon P. with him at a sensible location: his apartment. P. first insisted upon a full description of my urges, and then “shared” with me his doubts of my quantification of my corruption due to my unfamiliarity with such practices. We examined the evidence together at some length. It appears that I have, indeed, succumbed to several, varied, unconventional sexual yearnings. His approach to the problem could not have been more reasonable, but it somehow leaves me shaken…
May 20
…P., as a good scientist, insists on replicating our experiments in sufficient quantities to confirm my hypothesis. I find that I am seating myself in my laboratory chair today with some care, as, also, is P…
May 22
…I am pleased to find that research in the University Library confirms, to my satisfaction, that sodomy is not illegal between two consenting adults in this state. Thus, P. is safe from unreasonable legal interference, a point upon which, as a foreign national, he could not enlighten me. P. proposed that we celebrate this fact at my apartment, which, at the time, seemed quite reasonable. However, in retrospect…
May 24
...final session of my graduate seminar. The three students who received As were quite perturbed; one fainted. I am unsure why, since their work was obviously both rigorous and original, boding, as I informed them, exceptionally well for their professional futures…
May 25
…this is not in accordance with standard personnel policies of the University…
June 1
…this is exceedingly unwise…
June 5
…I was finally forced to admit my atavistic and possessive emotional response to P. He seemed unconcerned and pointed out that the condition is demonstrably shared, which I do admit to having found reassuring…
June 17
…I have received a response from the National Academy of Sciences. Our grant for fiscal years 200_ and 200_ has been approved. P., of course, will be lead technician and second co-author on the project. The money allocated for field verification is insufficient, but P. has a cunning plan to supplement our grant money with personal funds conserved by our sharing living quarters. Yes; we shall yet take over the world of science…